sickety sick sick sick

February 11, 2009

If this was a movie. This would be the montage part.

Mogwai would build slowly in the background and a slow motion me – bored off my face walking through Hiroshima would blend neatly into the peace park at Sunset. Mizi in a cafe drinking coffee staring wistfully at buns. Mizi walking through swirling leaves with collar upturned. Snow – melting onto crocuses.

Except they probably don’t have crocuses here.

Sick and Bored

Yes. I’m a little sick and a little bored. Who isn’t? Its February after all. That sort of what February is for – taking stock; lusting after spring and staring, full of whist, at various things.

Wishing your time away is a pointless, self defeating and miserey making hobby. One that walks hand in hand with home sickness and wanderlust. There is no problem – it’s just a bit boring at the minute. I’m battening down the hatches financially speaking and trying to save as much as possible so I’m not travelling that much. Perhaps it’s just that.

To be honest – the main problem is the same as always. I am a lazy , work shy fecker who hates having to do what someone else pays her to do. My sense of entitlement and ego is immense and I just plain can’t stand having to eek out my days in a job that is frustratingly repetitive, banal and unchallenging. I should be happy – I’m not stuck in an office, I have a lot of freedom, I can sing and make props, illustrate my journal or write. But recently, my sense of discomfort is growing, especially as my ideas about my future become more real and more exciting. In short, my life has changed a lot and I’m asking myself why the hell should I be content with anything less than what my dreams are?

This translates to some really big goals being made, and these goals contrast greatly with being an Ekaiwa teacher. And it’s frustrating at times, to the extent where my mind is on my future instead of where it should be – in the present.

However, I have made the decision to stay with the company for another six months.

Ten More Months

During the remaining ten months I’m going to devote myself to saving money and building a solid base for all my plans and goals. I am not going to spend it looking forward, I’m a big believer in the power of living consciously. And living with one eye on the future is not a good way to foster positive things in life. Nevertheless – plans will be made and actioned. No doubts about that.

I don’t think I can ever go back to the indecisive, lost and heartbroken person I lived as before I came to Japan. It’s difficult to explain – it’s not that I’ve changed per se, but in many respects that phase of being is over. Perhaps it was something to do with the last few years of being a teenager, perhaps it was just that feeling of being twenty two and realising for the first time you have no idea what you want to do. That feeling doesn’t go away I don’t think. You just come to accept it.

People ask me if I worry about it – moving back to England and having a shit time and in all honesty I do a little, it would be naive not to. However, at the same time I don’t. Where I am and what I’m doing are all as they should be, they could be no other way at any given moment. Now, I’ve come to think that there is no such thing as back sliding – only reminders of where you came from. Gentle touches to remind you that you have a long way to go. So if I move home and it’s overwhelming? So be it. It was meant to be that way and ultimately I can only learn more.

I’m explaining this poorly and surely I should take some of my own advice and stop being such a moody mare and knuckle down to work. But hey – if that’s not working then it shouldn’t be working. I will get there eventually and right now my mind, my body and everything is exactly as it should be.

Sick or no sick.

In other News, I decided to post a picture of a bag I made. Do you like?


One comment

  1. i really like the bag! xo

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